Tantalizing droplets of divinity spewed forth from my mouth as I, the Guru of unlimited renown, pontificated on the virtues of Dialectic Kabbalah Spiritualism. I must admit I was in rare form as I mesmerized my flock. The faithful had gathered by the thousands at the Civic Center Band Shell in LA to hear my words of wisdom. The event was to be broadcast nationally on TV and carried internationally by satellite. Standing at the podium of the amphitheater, I was in my element.
Jody was seated on a platform to my right with half a dozen local dignitaries including the mayor, holding Johnny Junior, who dressed for the occasion in a Baby Dior white silk tennis outfit, part of the ten percent of baby gifts that were not returned. He was registering his disapproval of my message and perhaps me the Messenger with a loud cry that sometimes turned into a screeching wail.
Jody whispered to Johnny Junior, “Please be quiet darling. Your father is speaking and he has the word.”
Johnny Junior must’ve thought he had the word too. I observed him out of the corner of my eye as he burped it out in a cascade of milky vomit all over Jody’s pink linen dress. She didn’t seem to mind, she was listening intently to me.
I launched into a long diatribe on the virtues of touching someone you cared about as part of a commitment to a reasoned faith in God. I managed to leave out the part about private parts and substituted the words private essentials. I said to my flock, “It is essential that you touch the people that you love in their private essentials.”
I went on to say, “I have an abiding faith in Spiritualism in the Dialectic Kabbalah format as a means to an end in and of itself.”
I put forth the proposition that self-gratification, self-expression and self-aggrandizement are legitimate tenets of a caring group of individualists and that people should not be mocked or disdained for the selfishness they exhibited.
“Being selfish is only natural,” I said.
I noticed Jody grimacing at me out of the corner of my eye, but I didn’t let this interfere with my speech.
“How else are we going to learn to take care of number one first and foremost? If we of a higher intellect and calling don’t do this, what will happen to the future? Who will care for the generations to come if we lose our inspiration? It is in the best interest of all that we concern ourselves with our own self-interest first. Let the devil take those who get left behind. They are of no consequence. It is only us that count: we of superior intellect, who have received the word of the Messenger.”
The audience, which up until then appeared mesmerized by my eloquence, erupted with a giant sigh of relief, years of guilt lifting from their minds. Cheers went up from the crowd followed by round after round of applause.
This emboldened me to offer an encore. “My fellow geniuses, thank you for the wisdom you have chosen in applauding my words. May the gift of knowledge I have given you today stay fresh in each and every one of your minds. May you keep your hearts out of your thinking and your peckers in your pants.”
“To those amongst us who are women and do not have a pecker, I implore you to reach out and touch someone. In this respect it’s important to remember to protect yourself. It’s a cruel world out there. Be careful, uncontrolled touching can be dangerous to your health. Only touch someone you love and trust and who loves you back when they touch you in your private parts.”
I was thrilled that all of this got through the censors. I surmised that the censors were mesmerized by the speech too, didn’t want to be spoil sports, or were afraid of not being recognized as part of the chosen flock, and thus being relegated to the whims of the devil. I guess we have to keep in mind that this is LA and almost anything is permissible if popular. This is the West Coast form of political correctness, I think.
The applause that followed this last epistle on touching private parts with love and trust, was equivalent to a category 8.5 earthquake or a hurricane with winds of 300 miles an hour. It went on and on and on. I bowed to the audience and said, “My people I get your drift. I’m with you.” I was on a role. I was unstoppable.