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Friday, September 28, 2007

The Hand Of God Sanctifies Johnny Oops

Johnny Oops and his bride to be Sahara were standing in front of the Huppa, which in this case was made of while lattice wood covered in beautiful white carnations. The Huppa was a covering or canopy traditionally used in Jewish wedding ceremonies. They were facing Sahara’s father, the Kabalistic Rabbi Frenbren who was conducting the wedding ceremony under the Huppa. In attendance in the garden of Rabbi Frenbren were many important Kabala religious figures from all over the world and some of Johnny’s most powerful friends, and members of his flock in the Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism religion. All told over two hundred and forty people were gathered on the large back lawn of Rabbi Frenbren’s home watching the ceremony in almost total disbelief at this strange, almost weird union in the making of a young upstart would be prophet, and the daughter of the venerable Kabalistic Rabbi Frenbren. Most people though this was not a match made in Heaven until it happened.

The young couple, who were both dressed in flowing white linen gowns, had just reached the part in the ceremony where the groom traditionally breaks a glass under his foot to symbolize – I will let you use your imagination as to what it symbolizes – when a large boom startled the gathering.

A passing cloud had suddenly turned dark grey and a bolt of lightening unlike any seen before, this one appeared to have five spikes of lightening coming out of it in what clearly resembled a hand, struck the Huppa and set it on fire. The most amazing part of this is that neither the white carnations nor Johnny or his bride were hurt, but the poor old Kabalistic Rabbi Frenbren noticed with horror that his red velvet slippers had caught fire and he had to take them off immediately to avoid being seriously burnt.

Johnny laughed in delight and said, “See old man, God has put your feet to the fire because you have not accepted the superiority of my Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism religion. God has spoken. I told you that you would see God’s hand sanctify this marriage and now you and all your people and mine have been witness to the truth. This is a great day. God has spoken.”

The old Rabbi was shaken and only managed to say, ‘It’s a blessing. There can be no doubt.”

Sahara kissed Johnny passionately and turning to the crowd in attendance said, “God has spoken. He has blessed my Johnny and I. You too can be blessed if you only just believe and bear witness to the miracle you have seen.”

The crowd roared their approval and to a man and woman they said, “We believe, we believe, God has spoken.”

There was only one member of the press in attendance from the Mystic Kabala Newspaper who borrowed the wedding photographer’s photo of the Hand of God emerging from the lightening bolt taken by the photographer as he fell over backwards, startled by the bolt of lightening, and crashed into the ice sculpture containing the chopped liver mold. The photo ran in all the leading newspapers with the caption, “God Takes New Prophet By The Hand”.

Johnny was heard saying, I told you, I told you, I have the ‘word’. I am the messenger. I am a prophet. No one can deny it. Wait to you see what I do next.

He then proceeded to swallow a whole bottle of sweet kosher red wine in one huge gulp, and passed out, landing conveniently on his bride who was sitting at a table counting the wedding gift checks. In her first flare of wedded displeasure, she noted to her unconscious husband that he had made her lose count, and that there would be hell to pay when he woke up prophet or not.

Johnny was unfazed and in his drunken stupor kept mumbling, “Wait till you see what I do next. I’m a prophet.”

Hi, I am Arthur Levine, the author of the novel Johnny Oops. To read more about Johnny and his wild escapades please access:

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Johnny The Prophet Meets The Wiseman Of Kabala

Johnny couldn’t believe it, but he actually felt nervous. Sahara, the love of his life was taking him to meet her father who was the leader of an ancient sect of Jewish mystics who practiced a religion called Kabala. It was a meeting of the old and the new, which would not go well for Sahara or Johnny. The setting was an old stone house surrounded by a high yellow limestone wall in the village of Ez in the South of France. Johnny felt like he had been taken back in time to medieval days. Sahara introduced them and was immediately interrupted by her father, who was dressed in a black velvet robe and faded grey slippers.

Rabbi Fabren, a short thin man, said, “greetings young man, who are you to claim to be a prophet? What do you know? Have you studied the ancient texts and leaned the wisdom of our ways? What gives you the right to claim that you have divine guidance and a new religion to share with us? My daughter has told me about you.”

Johnny was taken aback, but managed to mumble, “I came here to discus my love for your daughter, not my Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism religion or my status as a prophet. What I know, I know from God, and His ‘words’ of wisdom are more important than anything your old rituals can tell us.”

“Blasphemy,” shouted the Rabbi. “Kabala is the word and way of God. Who are you to question what you do not even understand? Who are you to question the true meaning of our ancient religion? I will never give you my blessing to marry my daughter. You are an infidel – a non-believer. It is forbidden”

With this Sahara started to cry. She turned to her father and took his hand and said, “Please listen to my Johnny. I have heard his words of wisdom. They only add glory and wisdom to our religion. We can combine the old and the new to achieve God’s will. I believe this to be so. Please hear my Johnny out.”

The old Rabbi seemed shocked at his daughter’s plea. He started to tremble and said, “ All right, all right, I will listen. I am not to old to learn, but I will not hear anything that goes against the word of God as it was written in our ancient texts. I will not let this young upstart of yours denigrated centuries of true belief.”

And so began a discourse that went on and on through the night. The old fanatic and the young fanatic argued over everything of a religious nature that one could conceive of. The only thing the old Rabbi eventually agreed to was that Johnny could become engaged to his daughter, but he insisted that if they were to marry it would be in a ceremony at which he himself officiated, and would include all the old religious rituals that he held so dear.

Johnny was exhausted and said, “Whatever makes my Sahara happy. That’s okay with me. God will be my witness to the sanctity of this ceremony so I don’t care what you do or say old man. You will see. You will see the hand of God bless my union with your daughter.”

Monday, September 24, 2007

Are You Living In A Virtual Reality World?

Hi, I’m Johnny Oops and I have a problem. Sometimes I feel like I’m not real. Granted I am a fictional character in a novel by the same name, but I still question my true identity. I question my very existence. In my case I think it is understandable, but what about you? Do you question your existence? Do you know if you are real?

Sometimes I feel like we are all bit players in some virtual reality world designed by the master of all out souls. What’s that they say about us all being God’s creatures? What does that mean? Is it possible we are being manipulated in some giant virtual reality game for the pleasure, entertainment, or instruction of some vast intelligence whose capabilities and intentions we cannot even fathom? Is this a test?

Sometimes I feel like I am operating in a dream. Other times I feel like I’ve been here before and done that before. Are we virtual characters who are reliving the same program over and over again?

Doesn’t it strike you as strange that so many of us look alike, think alike, and have the same passions? Has the same program made us all? Is the same software running our lives?

Let’s just suppose for a moment that we are all part of some gigantic virtual reality game. Who would have made it and why? Why all the conflict in this virtual world, why all the sadness and tragedy? Do we exist to the extent we do solely for the enjoyment of a master programmer, or do we serve a higher purpose? Who could have ordained all the random acts of kindness and catastrophe, or the quirks of nature, that are built into our lives? Where do our feelings of happiness and joy come from? Is there really any meaning to our lives, or is this all preprogrammed and the outcome predetermined?

I keep thinking about this virtual reality world we may be living in and have come to the conclusion that we shouldn’t worry about it too much because this world is as real as it is going to get for us. We have to learn to make the most of our circumstance. We have to learn to have faith that who we are, and what we do is real and has meaning. We have to learn to believe that we have a purpose. We have to believe that we can make a difference, and that we have been put here on this good earth of ours for a reason.

And yet in the back of my mind, I still wonder. Do you have your doubts? Are we replaying the same game of life over and over again in a virtual reality world? Do we really have any choice?

The best answer I have come up with so far is that I think, I question, I can make choices, I have feelings, and therefore I am real. What about you? Are you using all the abilities that God programmed you with? Do you have deep emotional feelings? Are you asking the right questions? Think about it. This is not a game. This is a reality check of your own choosing. The outcome is virtually assured if you just have faith.

Friday, September 21, 2007

A New Prophet Takes Europe By Storm

The pool at the Hotel DuCap, in the South of France was the scene for Johnny’s latest lecture on the theme, ‘You Can Take It With You’, which was taking the world by storm. He was addressing a crowd of several hundred of the wealthiest and most important people in Europe. In the audience were the elite of European Society: bankers, politicians, publishers and religious leaders. They were all listening intently hoping to here the secret of how to take it with you when you cross over. All of them had paid a small fortune to be part of the audience, and they were intent on getting their money’s worth. Whether secularist or catholic or protestant, they all wanted a special position in the afterworld and were fully prepared to declare Johnny Oops a prophet if they liked what he said when he revealed the ‘Secret’. These were the people who could spread the word.

Sitting in the front row was the most strikingly beautiful young woman Johnny had ever seen. She had bright red hair, sparkling green eyes and the whitest skin he had ever seen. She never stopped staring at him throughout the whole lecture and smiling the most beautiful smile imaginable. It was all Johnny could do to keep his mind on his lecture.

“My friends it is ordained that I be with you today. For together we shall discover the ‘Secret’ of how to take it with you when you go. Relax, I know the ‘Secret’, and I am going to share it with you because I have the ‘word’. I am the messenger. I have come here to show you the way.”

‘The ‘Secret’ my friends is that you will be rewarded for your accomplishments with a series of credits that will establish your position in the hierarchy of Heaven. All your wealth, your power, your good deeds will be transferred into certificates of good works, and this will determine the position you hold in the hereafter. Isn’t it wonderful? You will receive full recognition for your efforts.”

Johnny was looking intently to see the audience’s reaction, but all he could see was the smiling face of the redhead in the front row. He needed to concentrate he kept telling himself.

“Do not be ashamed of having accumulated worldly wealth and power. They are symbols of the good kind of greed that enables you to help other people and thus do good works. You are entitled to all you have. You have earned it. I am the messenger and I have the ‘word’ and I know this to be true. Follow me and enjoy a brighter hereafter. Follow me and I will show you the way for mine is the power and the sanctification of all you wish for.”

With this the beautiful redhead leapt to her feet and shouted, “Johnny you are our man, you are the prophet. We believe. We will follow you.”

As one, the whole audience jumped up and started shouting, “Johnny you’re the man, your our prophet. We will follow you.

Everyone was pushing and shoving to get close to Johnny, touch him and give him more donations. It was more than Johnny could of hoped for. He pulled the beautiful red head to his side so that she wouldn’t get trampled and after a long period of adulation from his new flock of true believers, he returned to his hotel suite with his new companion in tow. He was now a declared prophet, but Americans were none too happy. They wanted their own prophet back home. They didn’t want to share him with the world.

Johnny turned to the red head and said, “Who are you? I have been waiting for you all my life.”

She responded that her name was Sahara Farbren and she had been waiting for her prophet to appear all of her life.

It turns out that she was the daughter of the Chief Kabalistic Rabbi of France. Kabala is the practice of ancient Jewish mysticism revealing secrets of the universe that have been hidden for hundreds of years, and had many things in common with Johnny’s Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism Religion. It was a match one could say, which was truly made in Heaven.

After a short discussion of how much they had in common, Sahara and Johnny had wild sex relying on some of the secrets of the universe they shared to form an uncommonly hot and exciting bond. Johnny knew this was different from the other women he had been with. This was true love. This was his new soul mate. He would never be lonely again.

He told Sahara of his feelings and said, “I want to be with you always. I want to marry you. I want to have children with you.”

Sahara smiled and said, “Of course, this is as it was meant to be. Let’s get married. Let’s make babies. I can’t wait until you meet my father. He always wanted to have a prophet in the family.”

Johnny smiled and wondered. Why do I have to meet her father? I wasn’t planning on introducing her to my parents? This is all beginning to sound too traditional, and I am anything but a traditional kind of guy. I don’t care. For my Sahara I will do anything. I am in love. I am not lonely any more.

Wait until Johnny meets Rabbi Farbren. He might wish he were alone. The old rabbi frankly thinks he wrote the book, or is it the bible. In any event he isn’t about to bow down to this young upstart and his crazy ideas even if he is in love with his daughter.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

You Can Take It With You

Johnny Oops was sitting in front of the fireplace in his new Rancho Santa Fe, California mansion on a chilly January morning crying uncontrollably. He was pondering how to acquire more followers to his religion, The Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism. He already had several million followers in the United States, but he wanted more. Johnny always wanted more. He was all alone. He was lonely. He wanted someone to share his life. He wanted to have children. He wanted the immortality that having an extended family could grant him. Truth be told he questioned whether he was really a prophet. Johnny wanted so many things, and all he had was money and power and self-doubt.

I know I am great. I know my beliefs easily attract people, but why doesn’t a larger portion of the population follow me and my ‘words’ of wisdom? I want to be the biggest guru of them all. I want to be deified as a prophet. I want to be recognized around the world. I want more. I will have to come up with a dynamic hook, something that will make my religion irresistible to people. And most of all, I want someone to share my life with.

I think I’ve got it. This is brilliant. I am going to go on a world tour. I will make the theme of the tour, ‘You Can Take It With You.’ That should get the attention of millions of greedy people all over the world who want more and don’t want to lose their wealth and power when they cross over to Heaven, or at least my concept of Heaven. Who could resist this philosophy? There must be a lot of wealthy and powerful people out there like me who are lonely and want immortality.

I am only interested in people with a lot of money and power anyway. I will tell them to follow me and I will show them how to take it with you. That’s the ticket. Who could resist such a wonderful promise?

I will tell them, “ My followers, I have the ‘word’. If you believe in me, and The Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism Religion, you can take it with you. It will be in another form, but for those of you that truly believe the ‘Secret’ will be revealed. You must have faith. Follow me, and discover a whole new dimension – a new reality, a new state of bliss.

I can’t believe how brilliant I am. Soon hordes of people will be worshipping at my feet, and fighting each other for the chance to give me more of their money and discover the ‘Secret’. I am going to take this all over the world. I am going to become an international phenomena. Isn’t it wonderful?

Maybe I really am a prophet. Maybe we really can take it with us when we go. I will just have to work out the details. This is bigger than anything I ever dreamt of before. This is going to help make me the biggest guru of them all. This is radical chic at its finest. Maybe I really am receiving the ‘word’. Who said I’m not the real deal? Move over world. Here comes Johnny Oops, the new prophet in town. That’s right, I’m a prophet, and I have a passion for glory that only being deified by my followers can fulfill.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Johnny Oops Is Almost Arrested

Johnny was in the middle of a sermon on religious freedom before a rowdy crowd of almost forty thousand people in Honolulu, Hawaii when enforcement agents of the IRS swooped down on the stage and tried to arrest him for tax evasion on approximately one hundred and forty million dollars of donations, forty million of which was in cash. Jane his girlfriend and an undercover IRS agent who had collected the evidence against him was leading the group of IRS agents with a big smirk on her face.

She shouted, “We have got you now, you charlatan, you greedy money grubber, you aren’t even good in bed.”

Before the twenty agents and Jane could reach him, Johnny quickly shouted to the crowd over the microphone, “Don’t worry my friends, they are trying to martyr me for my beliefs. What happens next is up to you my followers. It is the will of God, but for whatever I the messenger’s ‘words’ are worth, don’t let them do this. Don’t let the government take away our religious rights. We are entitled to our beliefs. Remember, I have the ‘word’ and the ‘word’ is HELP.”

With this the crowd let out a tremendous roar and stormed the stage. The few policemen who were present turned the other way. They were not about to participate in a riot with their own citizens especially as they were totally outnumbered. Brawny members of the crowd tossed the twenty IRS agents off the stage like rag dolls, stripped Jane of her cloths and proceeded to pelt her with anything they had handy including the collection baskets. She was lucky to escape although slightly wounded, bleeding, and dazed, with her life. No one had anticipated this kind of reaction. Jane and the twenty agents ended up running for their lives. It was a strange sight; twenty IRS agents trying to throw away their government identification led by a screaming naked woman running down the street to the beach as if the devil was after them.

Johnny hired a top lawyer named Smirkback Harrison, who sued the IRS for entrapment, illegal confiscation of a non-profit’s assets, and denying religious freedom to its citizens under rights given to them under the First, Fifth, and soon to be written, if Johnny had his way, Twenty eighth amendment to the constitution, which called for the elimination of the IRS, and the absolution of all federal income taxes. He further charged that Jane should be arrested for putting a substantial part of the funds that truly belonged to the Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism Religion in her name, and demanded the immediate return of the funds.

For his part, Johnny called for a national day of not so peaceful resistance to be held by all of his followers to protest the current governments denial of our religious freedom saying, ‘Give unto me and God that which I the messenger say you should. It’s time to vote for a change. More than half a million people participated directly in the protest at the great mall in Washington DC and an estimated two million more watched it on television. A good time was had by all, except for the political leaders currently holding office.

Officials of the IRS under prodding from certain important political leaders, who were up for reelection, and didn’t want to lose two and one half million votes, finally reached a settlement with Johnny and his attorney, the irrefutable Smirkback Harrison. All charges against Johnny were dropped, all funds held in Jane’s name were released, and Jane was demoted and transferred to a desk job calculating unpaid taxes due by madams of houses of prostitution in Washington DC. In spite of the fact that hers was a desk job, she was required to make weekly visits to the four houses of prostitution under her direct supervision in person to check on the volume of business being done verses what these madams of ill repute were posting on their respective books.

One thing became painfully clear from her investigation; Sunday evidently was a family day when going to church took preference to moral turpitude especially when it came to members of congress, but the rest of the week was a revolving door to most of the legislators in town. Jane was never able to get a good count, but the frequency of government visitors seemed to be well timed to avoid any pressing votes being held in either branch of the legislature, and managed to miss any important sessions by the Supreme Court.

Johnny for his part seemed emboldened by the whole event. He appeared at the top of his form, aided no doubt by a new kind of cocaine he was evidently inhaling through his ears. Outside fits of momentary imbalance, which might also have been caused by his excessive use of vodka, it apparently had little noticeable affect on him.

He said, “God has spoken. He has saved his messenger. There is little doubt that He has bigger things in mind for me. Can any one doubt that a divine intervention has occurred? Listen to me for I am the prophet, and I have the word.”

And so his power grew as Johnny designated himself a prophet. He had done battle with the government and won. Can any one doubt that he was a prophet? Can any one doubt that this was the way things were meant to be? The only question left was what Johnny was going to do next. What miracle would he perform to prove his own divinity? One thing was for sure; no government agency was going to get in his way this time. He was too powerful now for that to happen. He had established a huge cult following, and they were all voters waiting for Johnny to tell them what to do.

As Johnny said, “I can’t tell you what to do yet, or what happens next because I really don’t know, but I think it has something to do with babies. Then he started crying uncontrollably.”

MLMF (More Later My Friends)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Undercover Agent Jane Sets UP Johnny Oops

The pure blond haired, blue-eyed beauty of his new girlfriend, Jane Overbaring, mesmerized Johnny. She appeared to be willing to do anything Johnny wanted, but was getting on his nerves a little with her constant suggestions of how he should handle the fortune in donations that was flowing in to him and his new religion, The Dialectic Rationalization Of Materialism. Jane was in fact an undercover agent for the IRS who was setting him up to be taken down by the agency for illegally helping himself to a large portion of what was supposed to be his non profit foundation’s money.

“Johnny, can you stop that for a minute? I have something serious to discuss with you,” she said.

Johnny, lying on his bed, dressed in a short white toga style prophet outfit, was quietly braiding Jane’s long blond hair.

“What could be more important than this my pretty,” he asked?

Jane, sitting on the edge of the bed dressed in a flimsy white lace negligee said, “I am concerned that you are letting your handlers control all the money that is coming in from charitable donations. You don’t even know how much you have. I think you should take control of all the bank accounts, and I think you should use some of the money to build big mansions in California and in the Hamptons on Long Island, New York where the richest members of your flock can come visit you to hear your words of wisdom as paying guests. I think it is time you established the lifestyle that goes with being a famous guru. It is expected of you.”

“Good Idea Jane. I will see to it. I am going to be hands on from now on when it comes to money, but I don’t want to be too out front about it. Won’t due for a soon to be bona fide prophet to be too involved in financial transactions. The lifestyle part of it, that’s fine. I am entitled to live in a style befitting a true guru.”

“You don’t have to advertise Johnny. You just need control of the checkbooks and the cash. And while we are on the subject, what happens to all the cash that comes in?”

“Not to worry Jane dear. I have my handlers bring me the money in large black plastic garbage bags right after they count the evenings donations, and I store them.”

“Store them where Johnny, and how do you know they are giving you a good count?”

“I keep some under the bed in my apartment, and stuff the rest in the big walk in closet in my dressing room. You are right; I am quickly running out of space. What should I do? There are millions of dollars involved. Do you really think my handlers are stealing from me? I never thought of that. They are members of my flock. If these bastards are screwing me I will excommunicate them from my religion. Wait, I am not sure we have an excommunication policy. Oh hell, I’ll invent one if we don’t.”

“My poor brilliant guru. Johnny you are going to have to put in controls. They are probably stealing you blind. Let me help you.”

“What did I ever do to deserve this? I am entitled to all the donations I get from my flock. These are my people. This is my money. Do you realize how hard I work to get their money from them? If anyone is going to benefit from their donations, it is going to be me. What should I do Jane?

‘Don’t worry darling. I am going to bring in a crew of money counters who will double count all donations in both cash and checks, and they will report only to me and I in turn will report to you. We should also rent you a huge storage vault in a top bank to store your cash in. We will have to use an assumed name or maybe we should use my name. And no more black garbage bags. From now on we will use suitcases. I presume you don’t report cash donations to the IRS, do you?”

“You are so wonderful Jane. How would I ever cope with all this without you? Could you rub my back? My neck muscles are getting tight just thinking about people trying to take my money. This is my money. No one else has a right to it. Do you understand? Of course I don’t report cash donations to the IRS. I don’t even report all the donations I get by check. I am a not for profit, except for my own personal lifestyle, which of course I am entitled to, don’t you agree?”

“I know Johnny. I know. I agree totally. Don’t worry. It is going to be all right. I will take care of everything.”

“A little higher darling, Rub harder please. Oh, that feels so good. All this worrying about people stealing my money makes my muscles tense up.”

“I know just how you feel. Does this feel better?”

“Yes, yes, don’t stop. This is giving me the relief I crave. You’re wonderful. I wouldn’t be a real guru without you.”

If Jane and the IRS have their way, Johnny isn’t going to feel good for too long. All the money counters that Jane hires are actually agents of the IRS. Do you think she is paying them off the books? Is Johnny actually keeping books? If he is, are he and his handlers cooking the books? So many questions, it’s enough to make your muscles tense up.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Global Warming; The Solution

Johnny Oops was pacing up and down on the raised bandstand floor at a new sports arena in the Meadowlands, New Jersey waiting for the crowd to settle down so that he could start his speech, or should we call it a con?

My friends, converts, and members of my flock, we are facing a man made crisis of unequaled proportions. If this keeps up we will be farming rice paddies and cranberry bogs in the swamplands of New Jersey, which will shortly cover more than half the current landmass of the state. New York will be growing oranges instead of apples and sporting palm trees on the less than one quarter of the land mass not covered by the raging ocean which will completely inundate New York City in a Sodom and Gomorrah style wrath of God type event.

But do not worry my friends. I have the solution to the Global Warming problem, which is fast melting the Alaska Ice Caps, and will shortly cause a permanent heat wave to cover most of the known universe with especially dangerous consequences in North America and Europe.

Most of the problem of Global Warming occurs because of businesses polluting the environment in order to make profits. This is true of both America and China as well as an assortment of other countries all of which profess that they are doing their best to control pollution.

Don’t buy it for a minute folks, there is a giant hole forming in the ozone layer of the atmosphere, and only God with our help will have the power to close it.

I suggest that we immediately set up a multi-trillion dollar stock exchange traded index fund that will trade exclusively in anti-pollution certificate credits, and which will be financed exclusively by hedge fund operators, and investment banks operating on a tax free basis with a government guarantee against loss. These anti-pollution credits in addition to being backed by the full faith and credit of the United States, Russia and China respectively, will have the backing of all fortune 1000 Companies and in the case of China and Russia, state run Companies. The oil rich states for their part will be able to participate at a twenty percent discount to the face value of the certificates by agreeing to pay for them in pollution free filtered oil. This certificate is going to be a super anti-pollution credit unlike its puny underused and undistinguished predecessor that is backed by practically nothing at all. No wonder it hasn’t solved the problem. The Oops anti-pollution credit will do the trick. It has teeth.

Companies that are big polluters will have to buy these anti-pollution credits in order to avoid huge fines and special taxes that would otherwise force them into bankruptcy. Companies that have cleaned up their act would be allowed to purchase these credits exclusively for resale to polluting Companies at a fifty percent discount. This will make it extremely profitable to be a clean air Company, thus changing the whole ballgame and eliminating one-way or the other the big polluters.

I know this high finance might be a little confusing, but think of the ramifications. I told you greed pays. Now our profit hungry greedy corporations are going to have the inducement they need to clean up their act, and the very air we breath. This is definitely going to be a miracle. My friends we are about to be saved. We can stop Global Warming. Are you with me? Let’s save the universe before the bubble forming over us really bursts.

I need all the money you can contribute to fund the set up of this Save The Nation Index Fund. Volunteers of our newly formed Save The Nation non-profit organization will be passing amongst you with Save the Nation baskets appropriately wrapped in red, white, and blue. Help us give the breath of life to our fellow Americans. Think of your children and grandchildren. Give them a clean air future. Give them the breath of life. Give now, and give all you can. Our Countries future is at stake. The human race, as we know it is in jeopardy of becoming extinct if we don’t do something about global warming right now. We need your help. Take a deep breath, grab someone next to you in their essential parts, and give all you can.

Jane, Johnny’s new girlfriend and undercover agent for the IRS was clapping wildly and hugging Johnny. She seemed in a state of true bliss. Secretly she was thinking that this time Johnny had really gone too far; now they had him. She was really going to enjoy taking this phony charlatan down. All Johnny could think about was that he was going to be rich, rich, rich. Not so fast Johnny, not if Jane and the IRS have their way.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Illegal Immigration – The Solution

From a speech given by Johnny Oops at the biggest drive-in movie left in the Country at the Arizona/Mexican border.

I have the solution to our immigration problem with Mexico my friends. It came to me in a dream. I don’t mean to be blasphemous, but I believe I was inspired by you know who on this one.

What we have to do is only let the wealthiest Mexican’s into the Country, not the poorest, as legal citizens, not illegal immigrants. We should charge a head tax of $10,000 per adult and $40,000 per child assuming our social welfare costs of free schooling and medical expenses are going to be higher for those that live longer. That would bring in $100,000 per average family of four. Those that are born here are home free.

Assuming that only one million wealthy Mexicans were willing and able to take advantage of this each year (there are more of them than you think) that would yield us an estimated one billion a year and save us billions more of social welfare costs on the twelve to twenty million illegal immigrant Mexicans we would no longer allow into this Country.

At the same time as we do this we could set up a social welfare credit with the twelve million illegal Mexican immigrants who stay home or go home of $1000 a year. They would have to pay their own transportation costs back to Mexico or walk across the border, but we would provide an endless supply of sneakers if necessary free of charge. That would cost us only 120.000,000 dollars verses the current cost of billions in social welfare expenses, and we could use part of the one billion dollars we collect from the wealthy Mexican immigrants to pay for it. I would also reach an agreement with the Mexican government to use another $250,000,000 of our annual immigrant head tax revenue to fund a free entrepreneurial, build your own business type, of free trade zone as far away from our border with Mexico as you can get. It is just possible that a number of these newly subsidized poor Mexicans will become wealthy themselves in this tax free zone, and want to immigrate legally to the United States, paying the head tax for themselves and their family, and thus dynamically increasing our take from the immigrant head tax. This is a win, win situation.

Am I brilliant or what? I always knew I was a genius. Do you know how much poor Mexicans can buy in their own country with $1000 a year? They will no longer want to come here as long as we keep paying them, and they get that yearly stipend whether they work or not. Pretty soon Mexican businesses would have to start paying their workers more to get them to go to work. Why should they work for about a dollar a day when they can promise not to immigrate and make close to three times that amount for doing nothing? That’s capitalism at work. That’s The Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism form of capitalism other Countries only dream of. I told you it pays to be greedy.

As to the cheap labor crisis this might cause, I have the solution to that too. Have you people ever heard of Robots? Where is the technology that made this country great? Do you mean to tell me we can’t build and program a Robot smart enough to pick corn or strawberries? Well strawberries might be a problem unless you were looking for strawberry puree. Nothing is perfect is it? But let’s not forget the sense of innovation that made this Country great. If we can make Robots that can perform medical operations, we ought to be able to produce ones that can pick strawberries without squashing them.

If the Republican and Democratic Parties are really worried about losing all those votes when millions of illegal immigrants don’t become citizens, we could give the Robots a limited form of technological citizenship and the right to vote, but not the right to unionize, or civil rights, or the rights to free schooling or medical care, and we have to make sure they are not preprogrammed as to who to vote for by the manufacturer. They would have to be enticed into voting by who ever offered them the best deal on replacement parts and given some cognitive ability to understand a basic pay for vote type deal. Don’t be scared we are not really going to teach them how to think independently. We are going to limit their thinking ability to that of your average ape or chimpanzee. You don’t see many of them voting, or do you?

And while we are at it, let’s make damn sure that our Robots are all American, stamped made in America, and speak English. That should do the trick nicely. I am really getting excited about this, how about you?

This is really easy for a guru like me who has the ‘word’. I am definitely getting the hang of modern day political problem solving. I think when I am through with this project; I am going to turn my attention to Global Warming. Get ready world, things are going to get so hot around here that you might think you are in Acapulco or Cancun, Mexico in the middle of the summer. Isn’t life wonderful? The future is ours for the taking.

MLMF (More later my friends)

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Let’s Get Personal: Johnny Oops

I think it’s time we got to know each other better. You know I’m a guru and genius on my way to be a prophet. You know I invented a religion called Dialectic Materialism that promotes a rational belief in God based on touching people in their essential parts. You know that I am a womanizer, part time drunk and druggie who has had two nervous breakdowns when confronted with his own reality or lack thereof. You must know by now that I an egomaniac who is full of him. I like it that way. I hope you understand. You know that I am the principal fictional character in a novel called Johnny Oops. But did you know that I have a heart and a soul? Did you know I have a family? Did you know that I care about what you think of me?

That’s right. You guessed it. I have feelings. In fact I have deep emotional feelings. If I can feel, I must be human, right? If nothing else I am a social animal. I certainly hope so otherwise going through all the torment and pain to become a prophet would be a gigantic waste of time. I don’t like wasting my time. I am far too important to waste time even though the chances are I will have through eternity to get it right.

The reason I can put up with all the problems in what passes for my life is because I know I have promise. I believe I have the ability to make a difference and effect change. With all my foibles and weaknesses, I can still be a positive force for good. I really believe that.

How about you? Are you wasting too much time? You don’t have forever like me, do you? You better do something worthwhile with the time you have left. Have you considered doing good works, or are you just going to fritter your time away having fun? We are all sinners, but will you at least admit that you want salvation? That’s what I’m here for. Dialectic Materialism and I can show you the way. And they say I’m not real.

No, I am not going to tell you how much time you have left. That is not the kind of message I’m ordained to deliver. When I say I am a messenger and I have the ‘word’, that is because I am using the imagination that God gave me to perceive that which He has dictated to me that you should know, I think. Could anything be more self-explanatory? I hope you are getting the message. Are you listening to my ‘words’? Are you getting the message?

Please pardon my sarcasm, but least you think that I am all heart and gooey emotional kindness; I think that’s enough about me. I just wanted to let you get to know me better. I would like to get to know you, my readers, better. I would like to know how you feel and what you would like to read about. Remember that all of life is a fiction in one form or another, that’s the plain hard reality of it. Life is also what you know and what you imagine you know. What do you know that could benefit humanity? What do you know that I could write about? Please use your imagination.

Let’s hear your comments. Let’s get personal. You know what I mean. Touching each other’s minds and hearts with good thoughts is essential to my very existence. You don’t want me to remain a fiction, do you? Let’s get real, let’s get personal, and start touching.

MLMF (More latter my friends)

Monday, September 3, 2007

The Funny Money Conspiracy

Speech Given at Madison Square Garden by Johnny Oops the month after his appearance on Big Mouth Maxie’s TV Talk show, which catapulted Johnny to national acclaim as a guru and possible prophet.

My friends and fellow followers of Dialectic Materialism, there is an international conspiracy going on between China and the United States that has the capacity to ruin all our lives. We cannot allow this illegal and potentially disastrous situation to continue. We have to do something about it, and with your help I believe I have the solution. Remember, God helps those who believe in Dialectic Materialism.

The Chinese have been making fortunes at our expense selling us goods that they produce cheaply. This has created a huge trade deficit. We finance this deficit with the sale of U.S. Treasury bonds purchased by China. To make this game of musical chairs work, our respective governments have convinced the Chinese people to save their money and U.S. citizens to spend wildly on every conceivable type of imported product at highly inflated prices, while at the same time building up their personal debts. This has resulted in overvaluing the Chinese currency and devaluing our American dollars. Pretty soon if we don’t stop this madness our dollar will be worth practically nothing. Some experts say it already is worthless. Oh the shame of it. How can we let these forces of evil destroy our great country like this for their own personal gain?

At least with Dialectic Materialism the greed factor works to our benefit, not some bunch of foreigners who our leaders are selling out to. I say if anyone around here is going to sell out to anyone we better be the ones who gain from it.

I may not be an expert at economics, but I still know that when you are spending more than two dollars for every dollar you take in that you will eventually be in trouble.

Well here we are now with a trade deficit of more than 233 billion dollars a year with the Chinese alone, and with no apparent end in sight or way to get even.

If this keeps up we will not be able to finance our national debt, and our children and grandchildren will be left to pick through Chinese garbage and ruble to find enough to eat. Our industries are already declining and we will soon lose the capacity to produce anything. We don’t even make our own sewer covers any more. Take a look underneath. They are all stamped made in China. If we can’t cover up our own poop what is to become of us?

I have the solution and here it is. We need to all band together and start saving money and investing it only in made in America products. Ladies do you want an Ox or a Tiger in your tank? Men, who is in charge here, do you want to be playing English style soccer in short pants, or American football? Stop buying Chinese and Japanese cars? The Japanese have a hand in this too, but they are subtler about participating in this conspiracy then the Chinese.

My friends and members of my flock, we must take action, we are not going to be put down any more. We are not going to mortgage our future to the Chinese, or the Japanese, or anyone else for that matter. I ask you all to reach out and touch the person next to you in their essential parts as we all come together as one person with the one goal in mind to stop this conspiracy and save our Country.

With that last statement a tremendous rustling and grabbing of body parts took place in the stands. It was like a mass mini groping, and everyone evidently enjoyed it thoroughly. Johnny had put the audience in the perfect frame of mind for his final pitch. They were impassioned with the glory of Dialectic Materialism.

We must take action and Buy Back Our America must be our motto. Listen to me for I have the ‘word'. I am the messenger Johnny screamed.

Make no mistake about it; organizing an effort of this type takes money. I urge each of you to reach deep into your hearts and your pockets, and donate twice as much as you think you can afford to Dialectic Materialism so we can fight this evil financial conspiracy. Believe me the money you give will be well spent compared to giving it to the Chinese to buy poisonous plastic toys for our children or dog food. My God they are even trying to poison our animals. We can’t let them get away with this. Think of the welfare of your children and your pets. Give now, volunteer ushers will be passing Save the Nation Baskets from row to row. Help us Save the Nation. Are you with me? Are you ready to Buy Back America from the Chinese?

With that question the whole arena rose up in wild cheers and applause. Rumor has it that millions of dollars, some estimates ran as high as one hundred million, were donated that night a fair amount of which was in cash. Johnny watched the scene with delight convinced it was a miracle, but agents of the IRS were watching too on instructions of the Attorney General who was getting his instructions from you know who, and I don’t mean God. Johnny may have gotten too important for his own good. He was going to have to learn to play by the rules. The question is whose rules?