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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Walking On Water My Way

I was sitting in a limousine on my way out to South Hampton to join members of my flock stewing over the traffic, I wasn’t about to take a helicopter out after my experience on the plane with Abdul the terrorist, when the thought struck me that the Hamptons was probably the only place that I Johnny Oops would be safe wearing a white suit. Unfortunately I gave it to my doorman at my Park Avenue apartment in Manhattan when I got back from California and my nightmare plane ride.

I was going to be a houseguest of a wealthy stockbroker in South Hampton who was a member of my flock. Josh Aldridge was a perfect candidate to be a major contributor to the cause of Dialectic Materialism, and I intended to make my own religious virtue obvious by lining my pockets with a substantial amount of this young hedge fund geniuses money, and that of his buddies as well. Josh was suffering from guilt feelings about all the money he had acquired with virtually no effort. It was my job to convince him that greed and the acquisition of wealth was okay as long as it was part of your religion; Dialectic Materialism of course. He was an easy and willing mark, I mean convert. The best part is he invited all his buddies over for a barbeque and to hear my ‘words’ of wisdom. Most of them converted on the spot. Checks were flowing. Needless to say I was at my best that night.

One of my new members invited us to join him at his private beach club where he suggested, half in jest, that I could walk on the ocean to prove that I was indeed a prophet. I wonder where they got that idea? I slugged down my third martini and told him, as best I could remember the following morning, that would be no problem. How do I get myself into these messes? Why do I stick my big feet in my mouth all the time? That’s when I got a brilliant idea.

I had read somewhere that you could water ski on your bare feet. I looked it up on the Internet. I found a fellow that had a boat completely ready for barefoot water skiing and got him to give me a lesson before heading for the waters off the private beach club I was to appear at. Then I called Josh and told him to gather the new members of my flock exactly at twelve noon to watch me walk on water. The instructions seemed simple enough.

There is a bar that attaches to a center post and swings out on the port side of the boat. With the boat standing still, you jump in the water and grab the bar, lying on your stomach behind it. As the boat starts up, you twist on your side and then your back and them rotate to the front sliding over on your backside. It sounds kind of difficult and there is more to it, but after a couple of spills I got the hang of it. Did I forget to tell you that I am very athletic?

The whole gang showed up and started jumping up and down when they saw me riding barefoot on the water. It looked more impressive than it actually was. What I hadn’t counted on was that they had brought a reporter and his cameraman from the local newspaper along. The next days Headline with a picture showing me walking on water read, New Guru In Town Walks ON Water. The sub heading asks, Is He Really The Prophet Of The Wealthy? Throngs of people wanted to meet me. Josh couldn’t keep up with phone requests from people he hardly knew to meet me. Checks came flying in from all over with requests for an audience. I think I had half of Wall Street at my feet. The word spread to the New York newspapers, and before I knew what was happening my handlers had scheduled a big shindig in Madison Square Garden for September.

Yes, I have handlers now. This has gotten too big for me to take care of on my own. As pre publicity for the show of the one and only real guru, my people scheduled a TV interview with Maxie Big Mouth. He had a rating that was off the wall at one of the major New York TV channels, as was Maxie himself, but that’s another story. I have to rest now. My newfound fame is getting the better of me. I can’t believe how fast this is all happening. I’m exhausted, but it feels good. I knew I was good. I knew it. Bring on Maxie Big Mouth. I can handle him. I think I can handle anyone now.

MLMF (More later my friends)

Hi, I am Arthur Levine, the author of the novel Johnny Oops. To read more about Johnny Oops in articles written in the principal characters own ‘words’, go to

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