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Saturday, October 6, 2007

The Prophet’s Speech At Both Ways Hokum University

Johnny strode to the podium with a glare in his eyes as he got set to address the student body at Both Ways Hokum University in San Francisco, Ca. He was a man with a purpose intent on delivering a message he was convinced had been sent to him by God.

He started to rant, “You do not understand, you do not understand. Of course you do not understand, but don’t worry, God came to me in a dream and told me it’s all right. He doesn’t expect us to understand. All we have to do is have faith.”

“We are all sinners. Do you hear me? Are you a sinner? Do you understand it’s all right to be a sinner? God came to me in a dream and told me it’s all right because we are all sinners. Do you understand?”

“What’s in your hearts? Do you have good intentions? In my dream God told me it’s all right that we are sinners as long as we believe and want to do better. Do you understand?”

“My fellow students, my friends, members of my flock, The Dialectic Rationalization of Kabalistic Materialism Religion will show you the way. All you have to do is have faith, and renounce your sinning ways. Do you admit you are a sinner? Do you want to stop sinning? Do you believe and have faith? What do you have to say? Hurry, God may be waiting to hear from you.”

“I can tell you that I personally have been a sinner with my assistant Dixie Kups here who is going to distribute my ‘God Saves’ pamphlets to you, but that’s all right because God understands.”

The audience, which consisted of some twenty thousand students, alumni, and local followers, jumped to their feet and started to storm the stage yelling we are sinners, we are all sinners, show me the way. Dixie kups had just been motioned by Johnny the prophet to center stage, and it is unclear whether the audience was trying to get to Johnny or to Dixie who was trying to distribute the ‘God Saves’ pamphlets on Johnny’s instructions dressed in a revealing mini skirt. In either case a campus riot ensued. The local police were called in and tried in vain to quell the raucous crowd who tore up the stage trying to get to Johnny and Dixie. The crowd ended up putting both Johnny and Dixie on their shoulders and marching towards downtown San Francisco shouting, “We are all sinners, show me the way.” They were at the same time grabbing each other in their private parts as the Dialectic Rationalization of Kabalistic Materialism Religion preached was all right as part of its doctrine.

The following morning the San Francisco Chronicle Newspaper ran a front-page article saying that Johnny’s Dialectic Rationalization of Kabalistic Materialism Religion had caused a riot in downtown San Francisco when members of the student body rioted because they couldn’t get to a stripper named Dixie who was the prophet’s assistant and ended up grabbing each other in a wild mass orgy of sinners and body parts.

Poor Johnny, his wife Sarhara read the article on the Internet back home in South Hampton, New York, and flew to San Francisco to straighten her prophet out. Rumor has it that there was going to be hell to pay for Johnny’s indiscretions. But Johnny didn’t care. He was convinced it was all right that he was a sinner because God had told him so.

In the meantime back in the South of France, Rabbi Frenbren, the Kabalistic Mystic, was being bombarded by his followers who had seen the reports on the evening news on the BBC to Get our good name out of that phony prophet’s religion or else God would cast a spell on him and your daughter that would make him wish he had never heard the name Kabala.”

The old rabbi sadly wrote to his daughter that she must leave Johnny, and insisted that he immediately take the name Kabala out of his phony religion. He told her that his counsel of religious peers had spoken, and that it was God’s will. He told her that God works in mysterious ways, and that her marriage to Johnny was one of the strangest aberrations of all times.

Poor Sarhara, what was she to do? She was torn by her love for her father and her love for her husband. Her old religious beliefs stood in her way, but she truly believed in the ‘words’ of her prophet Johnny. What she really needed was a miracle to show her the way. What she really needed was a husband who would stop sinning. Oops, for that to happen she would need a miracle that even Johnny Oops, her love and her prophet, was not capable of performing.

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