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Saturday, September 15, 2007

Johnny Oops Is Almost Arrested

Johnny was in the middle of a sermon on religious freedom before a rowdy crowd of almost forty thousand people in Honolulu, Hawaii when enforcement agents of the IRS swooped down on the stage and tried to arrest him for tax evasion on approximately one hundred and forty million dollars of donations, forty million of which was in cash. Jane his girlfriend and an undercover IRS agent who had collected the evidence against him was leading the group of IRS agents with a big smirk on her face.

She shouted, “We have got you now, you charlatan, you greedy money grubber, you aren’t even good in bed.”

Before the twenty agents and Jane could reach him, Johnny quickly shouted to the crowd over the microphone, “Don’t worry my friends, they are trying to martyr me for my beliefs. What happens next is up to you my followers. It is the will of God, but for whatever I the messenger’s ‘words’ are worth, don’t let them do this. Don’t let the government take away our religious rights. We are entitled to our beliefs. Remember, I have the ‘word’ and the ‘word’ is HELP.”

With this the crowd let out a tremendous roar and stormed the stage. The few policemen who were present turned the other way. They were not about to participate in a riot with their own citizens especially as they were totally outnumbered. Brawny members of the crowd tossed the twenty IRS agents off the stage like rag dolls, stripped Jane of her cloths and proceeded to pelt her with anything they had handy including the collection baskets. She was lucky to escape although slightly wounded, bleeding, and dazed, with her life. No one had anticipated this kind of reaction. Jane and the twenty agents ended up running for their lives. It was a strange sight; twenty IRS agents trying to throw away their government identification led by a screaming naked woman running down the street to the beach as if the devil was after them.

Johnny hired a top lawyer named Smirkback Harrison, who sued the IRS for entrapment, illegal confiscation of a non-profit’s assets, and denying religious freedom to its citizens under rights given to them under the First, Fifth, and soon to be written, if Johnny had his way, Twenty eighth amendment to the constitution, which called for the elimination of the IRS, and the absolution of all federal income taxes. He further charged that Jane should be arrested for putting a substantial part of the funds that truly belonged to the Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism Religion in her name, and demanded the immediate return of the funds.

For his part, Johnny called for a national day of not so peaceful resistance to be held by all of his followers to protest the current governments denial of our religious freedom saying, ‘Give unto me and God that which I the messenger say you should. It’s time to vote for a change. More than half a million people participated directly in the protest at the great mall in Washington DC and an estimated two million more watched it on television. A good time was had by all, except for the political leaders currently holding office.

Officials of the IRS under prodding from certain important political leaders, who were up for reelection, and didn’t want to lose two and one half million votes, finally reached a settlement with Johnny and his attorney, the irrefutable Smirkback Harrison. All charges against Johnny were dropped, all funds held in Jane’s name were released, and Jane was demoted and transferred to a desk job calculating unpaid taxes due by madams of houses of prostitution in Washington DC. In spite of the fact that hers was a desk job, she was required to make weekly visits to the four houses of prostitution under her direct supervision in person to check on the volume of business being done verses what these madams of ill repute were posting on their respective books.

One thing became painfully clear from her investigation; Sunday evidently was a family day when going to church took preference to moral turpitude especially when it came to members of congress, but the rest of the week was a revolving door to most of the legislators in town. Jane was never able to get a good count, but the frequency of government visitors seemed to be well timed to avoid any pressing votes being held in either branch of the legislature, and managed to miss any important sessions by the Supreme Court.

Johnny for his part seemed emboldened by the whole event. He appeared at the top of his form, aided no doubt by a new kind of cocaine he was evidently inhaling through his ears. Outside fits of momentary imbalance, which might also have been caused by his excessive use of vodka, it apparently had little noticeable affect on him.

He said, “God has spoken. He has saved his messenger. There is little doubt that He has bigger things in mind for me. Can any one doubt that a divine intervention has occurred? Listen to me for I am the prophet, and I have the word.”

And so his power grew as Johnny designated himself a prophet. He had done battle with the government and won. Can any one doubt that he was a prophet? Can any one doubt that this was the way things were meant to be? The only question left was what Johnny was going to do next. What miracle would he perform to prove his own divinity? One thing was for sure; no government agency was going to get in his way this time. He was too powerful now for that to happen. He had established a huge cult following, and they were all voters waiting for Johnny to tell them what to do.

As Johnny said, “I can’t tell you what to do yet, or what happens next because I really don’t know, but I think it has something to do with babies. Then he started crying uncontrollably.”

MLMF (More Later My Friends)

1 comment:

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