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Monday, September 10, 2007

Undercover Agent Jane Sets UP Johnny Oops

The pure blond haired, blue-eyed beauty of his new girlfriend, Jane Overbaring, mesmerized Johnny. She appeared to be willing to do anything Johnny wanted, but was getting on his nerves a little with her constant suggestions of how he should handle the fortune in donations that was flowing in to him and his new religion, The Dialectic Rationalization Of Materialism. Jane was in fact an undercover agent for the IRS who was setting him up to be taken down by the agency for illegally helping himself to a large portion of what was supposed to be his non profit foundation’s money.

“Johnny, can you stop that for a minute? I have something serious to discuss with you,” she said.

Johnny, lying on his bed, dressed in a short white toga style prophet outfit, was quietly braiding Jane’s long blond hair.

“What could be more important than this my pretty,” he asked?

Jane, sitting on the edge of the bed dressed in a flimsy white lace negligee said, “I am concerned that you are letting your handlers control all the money that is coming in from charitable donations. You don’t even know how much you have. I think you should take control of all the bank accounts, and I think you should use some of the money to build big mansions in California and in the Hamptons on Long Island, New York where the richest members of your flock can come visit you to hear your words of wisdom as paying guests. I think it is time you established the lifestyle that goes with being a famous guru. It is expected of you.”

“Good Idea Jane. I will see to it. I am going to be hands on from now on when it comes to money, but I don’t want to be too out front about it. Won’t due for a soon to be bona fide prophet to be too involved in financial transactions. The lifestyle part of it, that’s fine. I am entitled to live in a style befitting a true guru.”

“You don’t have to advertise Johnny. You just need control of the checkbooks and the cash. And while we are on the subject, what happens to all the cash that comes in?”

“Not to worry Jane dear. I have my handlers bring me the money in large black plastic garbage bags right after they count the evenings donations, and I store them.”

“Store them where Johnny, and how do you know they are giving you a good count?”

“I keep some under the bed in my apartment, and stuff the rest in the big walk in closet in my dressing room. You are right; I am quickly running out of space. What should I do? There are millions of dollars involved. Do you really think my handlers are stealing from me? I never thought of that. They are members of my flock. If these bastards are screwing me I will excommunicate them from my religion. Wait, I am not sure we have an excommunication policy. Oh hell, I’ll invent one if we don’t.”

“My poor brilliant guru. Johnny you are going to have to put in controls. They are probably stealing you blind. Let me help you.”

“What did I ever do to deserve this? I am entitled to all the donations I get from my flock. These are my people. This is my money. Do you realize how hard I work to get their money from them? If anyone is going to benefit from their donations, it is going to be me. What should I do Jane?

‘Don’t worry darling. I am going to bring in a crew of money counters who will double count all donations in both cash and checks, and they will report only to me and I in turn will report to you. We should also rent you a huge storage vault in a top bank to store your cash in. We will have to use an assumed name or maybe we should use my name. And no more black garbage bags. From now on we will use suitcases. I presume you don’t report cash donations to the IRS, do you?”

“You are so wonderful Jane. How would I ever cope with all this without you? Could you rub my back? My neck muscles are getting tight just thinking about people trying to take my money. This is my money. No one else has a right to it. Do you understand? Of course I don’t report cash donations to the IRS. I don’t even report all the donations I get by check. I am a not for profit, except for my own personal lifestyle, which of course I am entitled to, don’t you agree?”

“I know Johnny. I know. I agree totally. Don’t worry. It is going to be all right. I will take care of everything.”

“A little higher darling, Rub harder please. Oh, that feels so good. All this worrying about people stealing my money makes my muscles tense up.”

“I know just how you feel. Does this feel better?”

“Yes, yes, don’t stop. This is giving me the relief I crave. You’re wonderful. I wouldn’t be a real guru without you.”

If Jane and the IRS have their way, Johnny isn’t going to feel good for too long. All the money counters that Jane hires are actually agents of the IRS. Do you think she is paying them off the books? Is Johnny actually keeping books? If he is, are he and his handlers cooking the books? So many questions, it’s enough to make your muscles tense up.

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