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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

You Can Take It With You

Johnny Oops was sitting in front of the fireplace in his new Rancho Santa Fe, California mansion on a chilly January morning crying uncontrollably. He was pondering how to acquire more followers to his religion, The Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism. He already had several million followers in the United States, but he wanted more. Johnny always wanted more. He was all alone. He was lonely. He wanted someone to share his life. He wanted to have children. He wanted the immortality that having an extended family could grant him. Truth be told he questioned whether he was really a prophet. Johnny wanted so many things, and all he had was money and power and self-doubt.

I know I am great. I know my beliefs easily attract people, but why doesn’t a larger portion of the population follow me and my ‘words’ of wisdom? I want to be the biggest guru of them all. I want to be deified as a prophet. I want to be recognized around the world. I want more. I will have to come up with a dynamic hook, something that will make my religion irresistible to people. And most of all, I want someone to share my life with.

I think I’ve got it. This is brilliant. I am going to go on a world tour. I will make the theme of the tour, ‘You Can Take It With You.’ That should get the attention of millions of greedy people all over the world who want more and don’t want to lose their wealth and power when they cross over to Heaven, or at least my concept of Heaven. Who could resist this philosophy? There must be a lot of wealthy and powerful people out there like me who are lonely and want immortality.

I am only interested in people with a lot of money and power anyway. I will tell them to follow me and I will show them how to take it with you. That’s the ticket. Who could resist such a wonderful promise?

I will tell them, “ My followers, I have the ‘word’. If you believe in me, and The Dialectic Rationalization of Materialism Religion, you can take it with you. It will be in another form, but for those of you that truly believe the ‘Secret’ will be revealed. You must have faith. Follow me, and discover a whole new dimension – a new reality, a new state of bliss.

I can’t believe how brilliant I am. Soon hordes of people will be worshipping at my feet, and fighting each other for the chance to give me more of their money and discover the ‘Secret’. I am going to take this all over the world. I am going to become an international phenomena. Isn’t it wonderful?

Maybe I really am a prophet. Maybe we really can take it with us when we go. I will just have to work out the details. This is bigger than anything I ever dreamt of before. This is going to help make me the biggest guru of them all. This is radical chic at its finest. Maybe I really am receiving the ‘word’. Who said I’m not the real deal? Move over world. Here comes Johnny Oops, the new prophet in town. That’s right, I’m a prophet, and I have a passion for glory that only being deified by my followers can fulfill.

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