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Monday, September 3, 2007

The Funny Money Conspiracy

Speech Given at Madison Square Garden by Johnny Oops the month after his appearance on Big Mouth Maxie’s TV Talk show, which catapulted Johnny to national acclaim as a guru and possible prophet.

My friends and fellow followers of Dialectic Materialism, there is an international conspiracy going on between China and the United States that has the capacity to ruin all our lives. We cannot allow this illegal and potentially disastrous situation to continue. We have to do something about it, and with your help I believe I have the solution. Remember, God helps those who believe in Dialectic Materialism.

The Chinese have been making fortunes at our expense selling us goods that they produce cheaply. This has created a huge trade deficit. We finance this deficit with the sale of U.S. Treasury bonds purchased by China. To make this game of musical chairs work, our respective governments have convinced the Chinese people to save their money and U.S. citizens to spend wildly on every conceivable type of imported product at highly inflated prices, while at the same time building up their personal debts. This has resulted in overvaluing the Chinese currency and devaluing our American dollars. Pretty soon if we don’t stop this madness our dollar will be worth practically nothing. Some experts say it already is worthless. Oh the shame of it. How can we let these forces of evil destroy our great country like this for their own personal gain?

At least with Dialectic Materialism the greed factor works to our benefit, not some bunch of foreigners who our leaders are selling out to. I say if anyone around here is going to sell out to anyone we better be the ones who gain from it.

I may not be an expert at economics, but I still know that when you are spending more than two dollars for every dollar you take in that you will eventually be in trouble.

Well here we are now with a trade deficit of more than 233 billion dollars a year with the Chinese alone, and with no apparent end in sight or way to get even.

If this keeps up we will not be able to finance our national debt, and our children and grandchildren will be left to pick through Chinese garbage and ruble to find enough to eat. Our industries are already declining and we will soon lose the capacity to produce anything. We don’t even make our own sewer covers any more. Take a look underneath. They are all stamped made in China. If we can’t cover up our own poop what is to become of us?

I have the solution and here it is. We need to all band together and start saving money and investing it only in made in America products. Ladies do you want an Ox or a Tiger in your tank? Men, who is in charge here, do you want to be playing English style soccer in short pants, or American football? Stop buying Chinese and Japanese cars? The Japanese have a hand in this too, but they are subtler about participating in this conspiracy then the Chinese.

My friends and members of my flock, we must take action, we are not going to be put down any more. We are not going to mortgage our future to the Chinese, or the Japanese, or anyone else for that matter. I ask you all to reach out and touch the person next to you in their essential parts as we all come together as one person with the one goal in mind to stop this conspiracy and save our Country.

With that last statement a tremendous rustling and grabbing of body parts took place in the stands. It was like a mass mini groping, and everyone evidently enjoyed it thoroughly. Johnny had put the audience in the perfect frame of mind for his final pitch. They were impassioned with the glory of Dialectic Materialism.

We must take action and Buy Back Our America must be our motto. Listen to me for I have the ‘word'. I am the messenger Johnny screamed.

Make no mistake about it; organizing an effort of this type takes money. I urge each of you to reach deep into your hearts and your pockets, and donate twice as much as you think you can afford to Dialectic Materialism so we can fight this evil financial conspiracy. Believe me the money you give will be well spent compared to giving it to the Chinese to buy poisonous plastic toys for our children or dog food. My God they are even trying to poison our animals. We can’t let them get away with this. Think of the welfare of your children and your pets. Give now, volunteer ushers will be passing Save the Nation Baskets from row to row. Help us Save the Nation. Are you with me? Are you ready to Buy Back America from the Chinese?

With that question the whole arena rose up in wild cheers and applause. Rumor has it that millions of dollars, some estimates ran as high as one hundred million, were donated that night a fair amount of which was in cash. Johnny watched the scene with delight convinced it was a miracle, but agents of the IRS were watching too on instructions of the Attorney General who was getting his instructions from you know who, and I don’t mean God. Johnny may have gotten too important for his own good. He was going to have to learn to play by the rules. The question is whose rules?

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