Global Warming; The Solution

Johnny Oops was pacing up and down on the raised bandstand floor at a new sports arena in the Meadowlands, New Jersey waiting for the crowd to settle down so that he could start his speech, or should we call it a con?

My friends, converts, and members of my flock, we are facing a man made crisis of unequaled proportions. If this keeps up we will be farming rice paddies and cranberry bogs in the swamplands of New Jersey, which will shortly cover more than half the current landmass of the state. New York will be growing oranges instead of apples and sporting palm trees on the less than one quarter of the land mass not covered by the raging ocean which will completely inundate New York City in a Sodom and Gomorrah style wrath of God type event.

But do not worry my friends. I have the solution to the Global Warming problem, which is fast melting the Alaska Ice Caps, and will shortly cause a permanent heat wave to cover most of the known universe with especially dangerous consequences in North America and Europe.

Most of the problem of Global Warming occurs because of businesses polluting the environment in order to make profits. This is true of both America and China as well as an assortment of other countries all of which profess that they are doing their best to control pollution.

Don’t buy it for a minute folks, there is a giant hole forming in the ozone layer of the atmosphere, and only God with our help will have the power to close it.

I suggest that we immediately set up a multi-trillion dollar stock exchange traded index fund that will trade exclusively in anti-pollution certificate credits, and which will be financed exclusively by hedge fund operators, and investment banks operating on a tax free basis with a government guarantee against loss. These anti-pollution credits in addition to being backed by the full faith and credit of the United States, Russia and China respectively, will have the backing of all fortune 1000 Companies and in the case of China and Russia, state run Companies. The oil rich states for their part will be able to participate at a twenty percent discount to the face value of the certificates by agreeing to pay for them in pollution free filtered oil. This certificate is going to be a super anti-pollution credit unlike its puny underused and undistinguished predecessor that is backed by practically nothing at all. No wonder it hasn’t solved the problem. The Oops anti-pollution credit will do the trick. It has teeth.

Companies that are big polluters will have to buy these anti-pollution credits in order to avoid huge fines and special taxes that would otherwise force them into bankruptcy. Companies that have cleaned up their act would be allowed to purchase these credits exclusively for resale to polluting Companies at a fifty percent discount. This will make it extremely profitable to be a clean air Company, thus changing the whole ballgame and eliminating one-way or the other the big polluters.

I know this high finance might be a little confusing, but think of the ramifications. I told you greed pays. Now our profit hungry greedy corporations are going to have the inducement they need to clean up their act, and the very air we breath. This is definitely going to be a miracle. My friends we are about to be saved. We can stop Global Warming. Are you with me? Let’s save the universe before the bubble forming over us really bursts.

I need all the money you can contribute to fund the set up of this Save The Nation Index Fund. Volunteers of our newly formed Save The Nation non-profit organization will be passing amongst you with Save the Nation baskets appropriately wrapped in red, white, and blue. Help us give the breath of life to our fellow Americans. Think of your children and grandchildren. Give them a clean air future. Give them the breath of life. Give now, and give all you can. Our Countries future is at stake. The human race, as we know it is in jeopardy of becoming extinct if we don’t do something about global warming right now. We need your help. Take a deep breath, grab someone next to you in their essential parts, and give all you can.

Jane, Johnny’s new girlfriend and undercover agent for the IRS was clapping wildly and hugging Johnny. She seemed in a state of true bliss. Secretly she was thinking that this time Johnny had really gone too far; now they had him. She was really going to enjoy taking this phony charlatan down. All Johnny could think about was that he was going to be rich, rich, rich. Not so fast Johnny, not if Jane and the IRS have their way.